When You've Read One Fanfic You've Read Them All
by Sweetmintmojo
Summary: Basically Harry is trapped in one of your goddarn fanfiction stories in which every cliche found in any one of your goddarn fanficiton stories is inflicted upon him. Poor boy.


It was September the first and Harry thought it would be a start of term like no other...he would go to the train station, walk through a wall, board a shiny red train and arrive at Hogwarts to see his wonderful little friends. But, before he even stepped out of the door a strange supernatural force picked him up and deposited him at the front door of the school. At the gate he saw Draco Malfoy, who was wandering around singing and handing out flowers, as he had changed his ways and was deep down a kind, thoughtful, sensitive person (he had also recently discovered that he was gay, a vampire, and the secret love-child of Severus Snape and James Potter). Behind him was a very pretty, brown-haired girl. "Hi Harry, I'm Kathleen," she said. "I have transferred to Hogwarts from Salem Academy in America and I'm your age. Unfortunately I'm also your half-sister and the heir of Slytherin and I'm having a meaningful yet illegal relationship with Professor Lupin, so we can never be. Sorry."

Suddenly a magical bell sounded in the distance. Gradually pairs (and in some cases, trios) of Harry's friends and aquaintances emerged from behind trees and large rocks, blushing and adjusting their clothing. It suddenly dawned on Harry that all the major characters had been having steamy affairs with one another in various "hidden" places around the grounds. Harry was thoroughly scared by this and in his trauma decided to change his appearance, fake his own death, and create the alter ego Karl Mikko. "Haha!" he thought as he went down to dinner with his friends, "I have fooled everyone!". When Harry (now Karl), Kathleen, and the rest of the students sat down, Dumbledore stood up on his podium, and started to read form his magic autocue.

"I would like, so totally like to welcome you to Hogwarts, dudes. This year is going to be so darn fun!" he said wisely. Harry (Karl) started. Why was Dumbledore talking like someone from the cheerleader posse in Bring It On? Come to think of it...everyone was talking like this! There was no difference in anyone's speech patterns, as they all talked like American teenagers!!! Something was wrong, very wrong.

Just then there was a banging at the door. "Like, Come in!" said Dumbledore in a sagelike manner. In came Voldemort (who immediately jumped to attack Harry then their souls combined due to a strange magical phenomenon then Voldemort combusted from the inside and turned into a wooden statue of Cornelius Fudge and burst into flames) followed by Artemis Fowl, Dr. Spock, Frodo Baggins and the entire Monty Python crew. Everyone was pleasantly surprised, especially Snape, as he had already seduced every single person in the school and was looking for fresh blood. "We are the characters from other stories," said Artemis Fowl. "We are here because the author has realised that her story is crap, and is attempting to turn it into a wacky parody. She will now set up a giant Jerry Springer Show-Type Confession Session and/or battle involving water balloons in which hilarious parallells between characters will be revealed.."

A giant Jerry Springer Show-Type Confession Session Water Balloon Battle In Which Dr. Spock Married Dumbledores Pet Goat ensued. In the confusion Harry (Karl) shared an intimate moment with Draco Malfoy but then....

His vision went blank. Large black italic letters appeared before his eyes.They read:

_You ain't never comin' back to me_

_And that's not how this was supposed to be_

_Take my hand just to give it back_

_No other lover has ever done that..._

"What??? What the hell is happening??" shrieked Harry.

"This is a fanfiction," Artemis Fowl informed him, "And obviously this is what the author wishes the film had _really_ been like. And that is the song that would have been playing in _her_ version of the Harry Potter Movie."

"Screw her version! Why is there music?? Why are you here?? And why is Draco Malfoy kissing my neck???"

_There will be no white flag above my door...._

_Prove that it don't bother me to become your used to be..._

_Really bad eggs, drink up me hearties yo-ho.._

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGHHH!!!" With this parting riposte, Karl (Harry) ran away to live a dark and dangerous life slaying werewolves and the like, completely unrecognised by his friends.

Five years later....

Hermione and Ginny are now teachers at Hogwarts.Harry is still Karl. Still, no-one recognises him. Snape is still struggling with his inner demons about having an affair with Lily Potter and watching his parents being viciously eaten by Sirius Black's pet vermicious knid. Ron and Hagrid are strutting about in a macho fashion, extremely proud to be the only two straight men in the entire universe, and celebrate this by having a "dart's, beer and Paris Hilton video" night once every month, before which they get drunk at the Leaky Cauldron and fight over who gets to shag the barmaid. Draco Malfoy is still sitting in his room writing angsty love letters to Harry (who of course, is still Karl). Every single aforementioned person has been shagging Snape at some point. Despite all this attention he's getting, Snape is still a very troubled, sinister person. That is until Karl (Harry) turns up and tenderly tells Severus that he will protect him from all the Wangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vermicious Knids, and they live happily ever after.

The End.


End file.
